In 1967, during the Summer of Love, two psychology students at UC Berkeley shared a kiss in front of Dwinelle Hall. What happened next would eventually change how we understand human connection—and inspire over 23,000 questions at FlourishTalk.
💑 A Love Story That Became Science
Arthur Aron and Elaine Spaulding weren't just falling in love that day in Berkeley. They were beginning a lifelong partnership—both romantic and scientific—that would lead them to ask a radical question: Can intimacy be created intentionally?
More than fifty years later, Arthur and Elaine Aron are still together, still researching, and still fascinated by the same mystery that drew them together: what makes people connect?
The 36 Questions Experiment
In 1997, the Arons and their research team published a study that would eventually go viral. The premise was deceptively simple: Could a structured set of questions make two strangers feel close to each other?
They created 36 questions, divided into three sets of increasing intimacy. Pairs of strangers would take turns asking and answering these questions over 45 minutes, followed by four minutes of sustained eye contact.
The results were remarkable. Participants who went through the exercise reported feeling as close to their partner as they typically felt toward the closest person in their lives. And this happened regardless of whether they shared the same beliefs, attitudes, or even whether they expected the exercise to work.
"First, just by asking, you're showing that you care about the other person. Second, the question encourages that person to reveal something about themselves. And then that creates an opportunity for you to respond to what they are revealing."
— Arthur Aron, explaining why questions create connectionOne couple from the original experiments got married. The entire research team attended the wedding.
Why Questions Work: The Three Keys
What the Arons discovered wasn't magic—it was mechanism. Questions create closeness through three powerful processes:
Showing Care
The simple act of asking a genuine question signals that you're interested in the other person. It says: You matter. I want to understand you.
Inviting Disclosure
Good questions create space for people to reveal themselves—their hopes, fears, experiences, values. This vulnerability is the raw material of intimacy.
Creating Response
When someone shares something personal, you have the opportunity to respond with understanding, validation, and care. This reciprocity builds trust.
The Arons called this "reciprocal self-disclosure"—the gradual, mutual revealing of ourselves to another person. It's what happens naturally over months or years of friendship, compressed into 45 minutes through the power of intentional questions.
Beyond Romance: Questions That Heal Divides
Here's what fascinated me most about the Arons' work: the 36 questions weren't actually designed to make people fall in love. They were designed to create closeness. And that distinction matters enormously.
Because if questions can create closeness between strangers, what else might they do?
Researchers around the world have since used variations of the 36 questions to address some of humanity's most persistent challenges:
🌈 Reducing Prejudice Toward LGBTQ+ People
Heterosexual students who completed the exercise with a partner who disclosed their homosexuality showed improved attitudes toward gay men and lesbians, experienced more positive feelings of closeness, and displayed more friendliness afterward.
🤝 Building Bridges Across Race
Latino and white students with high levels of unconscious racial prejudice showed reduced stress biomarkers when completing the questions in cross-race pairs. Many went on to seek out more interracial interactions.
🇭🇺 Combating Ethnic Discrimination
In Hungary, non-Roma students with "fairly negative" attitudes toward Roma people developed more positive attitudes after just one hour of conversation using the questions with a Roma student.
🎓 Connecting Distance Learners
German university freshmen who completed the questions virtually grew fonder of classmates and felt more socially integrated, regardless of differences in migration status, disability, age, or sexual orientation.
The Profound Implication
If 36 carefully crafted questions can reduce prejudice, build trust across difference, and create connection between people who might otherwise remain strangers or even adversaries...
What might 23,000 questions do?
From 36 to 23,000: The FlourishTalk Vision
When I first encountered the Arons' research, I felt like I'd found scientific validation for something I'd long believed: that the right questions, asked in the right way, have the power to transform relationships, communities, and lives.
The 36 questions work because they follow a principle—gradual, reciprocal self-disclosure. But they're designed for one purpose: creating initial closeness between two people.
What if we applied the same rigorous, research-based approach to every dimension of human flourishing? What if we created questions for:
Understanding your own character strengths. Deepening your marriage. Connecting with your teenager. Leading your team. Processing difficult emotions. Navigating critical conversations about justice, environment, and democracy. Developing mental fitness. Finding meaning and purpose.
That's the vision behind FlourishTalk. Not 36 questions, but over 23,000—each one designed with the same care, grounded in the same science, aimed at the same goal: genuine human connection and growth.
🔬 Experience the Original
We've included Arthur Aron's original 36 questions in our Connection Lab category. Experience the science of connection for yourself, then explore the thousands of other questions waiting to deepen every dimension of your life.
Explore Connection LabThe Lesson That Changed Everything
What I learned from Arthur and Elaine Aron isn't just that questions create connection. It's that connection can be created intentionally. It's not magic. It's not luck. It's not reserved for certain personality types or relationship naturals.
Connection is a skill. And like any skill, it can be practiced, developed, and shared.
Two psychology students kissed in front of Dwinelle Hall in 1967 and fell in love. Fifty years later, their research has helped strangers become friends, reduced prejudice across racial lines, and given millions of people a roadmap to deeper connection.
All because they asked: What if we could study this? What if we could understand it? What if we could help others experience it too?
That's the spirit behind every question at FlourishTalk. Not just curiosity—but the belief that meaningful conversation can be learned, practiced, and multiplied. That the connection Arthur and Elaine found that day in Berkeley is available to all of us, one question at a time.
The Arons proved that 36 questions could make strangers feel like lifelong friends. Imagine what becomes possible when we apply that same science to every aspect of human flourishing.
With gratitude to Arthur and Elaine Aron for showing us the way,
Alten
Founder, FlourishTalk